| Assorted Secrets | |
| Type: | compilation |
| Artist: | The Residents |
| Cover: | Assorted Secrets.jpg |
| Released: | 1984 |
| Recorded: | Fall 1981 – May 5, 1983 |
| Length: | 58:40 1:09:36 |
| Label: | Ralph |
| Producer: | Scott Fraser, the Cryptic Corporation |
| Prev Title: | Residue of the Residents |
| Prev Year: | 1983 |
| Next Title: | Whatever Happened to Vileness Fats? |
| Next Year: | 1984 |
Assorted Secrets is a compilation of live and studio rehearsals released by American art rock group the Residents in 1984, originally as a cassette-only release due to the recording and performance quality not meeting the group's standards at the time. Not originally meant to be heard by the public, the cassette was eventually produced and released for much-needed profit following the financial difficulties of the Mole Show tour.